kooka-burra's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not katie... Katie Talking about Qwenna is becoming a pass time in our group. Figuring out how we are going to ditch her is form of amusement. I don’t like it, I much as I hate this girls guts. It just doesn’t feel right. That’s one reason why I wish we could get over this rough patch. It would be so much easier on everyone. I talked to Aliya about it today and she made me feel better by agreeing with me. Telling me that yes, she was a bitch and as she puts it “If you don’t do anything any time soon, I will”. Thanks, getting over it will be quite a relief. I don’t like in depth conversations. I think it’s because I end up revealing too much about myself then I feel comfortable with. Then I feel awkward with myself, and over all it’s just not enjoyable. That’s what I found happening today. Plus I can see myself doing things that I don’t want myself to do. Channeling Lauren, Owen or Sarah, and as much as I love these people, I don’t exactly want to become them, that’s just unoriginal. I can see myself doing it and I don’t like it! Other times I find myself thinking sad things and pitying myself. (Practice what you preach woman!) I don’t want to sound like I don’t have anything. I try to be as confident as I can and hopefully it shows. I am coming up with good habits. Instead of comparing myself to others, I set goals. Right now my goal is to become a better actress. Unfortunately for me this is a hard goal to complete. Why? I can’t see myself act and I think that I am my hardest critic and can help me the most. I guess you could say that’s why I have a drama teacher, to make pointers. But Mr. Wei doesn’t do that sort of thing. He never seems to have an opinion about me. I get good enough marks when it comes to my performance, (actually I am quite proud of them) but I always find myself wondering what the next big thing is going to be and trying even harder to be even better. Hoping that maybe this time I’ll get something from Mr. Wei. Am I doing all the right things? Or do I just look like I am trying to hard. I don’t want to feel like I am constantly competing with other grade nines (I don’t even want to think about grade tens and up). And it’s a lot easier to bring past experiences with you onto the stage it looks real and sincere. Unfortunately for me my life is not quite packed with character testing life lessons, whether it be about relationships, bullying or… relationships. In my mind I am making notes of who I don’t want to be. I don’t want to end up like Kayla. Who needs to succeed in everything she does, and then when discouraged, becomes bitter and gives up. I don’t want to be like Megan in my drama class, who although enjoys acting looks very awkward and forced when she’s doing it. Or mediocre, lest of all I don’t want to be that girl who’s ‘just okay’. All these little notes and I just need someone to tell what I am doing wrong and what I am doing right. Straight up, no sugar coating. All this and working on friendships, grades, school and family. And my life is not nearly as hectic as it could be. When in doubt, always blame the dark forces from an unseen realm. Always. 9:06 pm - Thursday, Apr. 06, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||