kooka-burra's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thinking too Hard

The last couple hours have been slow and boring.

I came back from shopping with my mom and got a sweater, guess what colour it is? Green, shocking I know.

Well I was thinking and I remembered somthing, I didn't always wanted to go into drama. Like every little kid I wanted to be a vet or a panter or somthing like that - just because it sounded fun. It wasn't till grade five untill I noticed that I wanted to be right in the middle of that stage. I guess thats a side of me people don't really see. Although I see it leak through once in a while.
In grade six my school put on a production of 'Hello Dolly'. Ever since then I wanted to prove to myself that I was a good actress. I can't see myself act - and even if i could i wouldn't want to watch. So how do I know i'm good enough for what I want to do? I don't. So that's the pact I made with myself in grade six. I still haven't proven that to myself and... I don't know, I'm starting to think it's just not for me. Which I is probably the most painful thing that I have had to come to relize. It's been in the back of my mind since grade five and slowly but surely I'm becoming less and less sure of myself.
I don't think anyone would care if I didn't go into drama, no one but myself. And the same thing comes up. How can I do something all through highschool, that I am passionate about - but I'm not even good at? It doesn't work!
I remeber thinking what if i got on the improv team? what if, do i really want to be on the team. I would let everyone down? I'm not good at it, I wouldn't be able to do it, I wouldn't be fast enough I still think that and even though I'll end up trying out again, I don't think I believe in myself enough to pull through.
I guess that what it all comes down to. Believing in myself - It's been so long since I have made that pact that I am doubting if I am good enough at this or if it's all lost hope. And thats what I'm stuggling with. It's all too painful for me to relize.

Sorry if this one was too emo for you - yah, fuck off.

7:44 pm - Saturday, Mar. 04, 2006

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next